for your <3

i wanna say something, but i can't. it want to say that i told you so. but it won't work because of the whole, be an example thing. it doesn't work when it's splattered all over the internet saying, "pity me, i'm lonely and pathetic". it doesn't help me when i need to be strong just for me; what more for more people. what more if i need help. will you say something?

either way, she was a waste of time, effort, and if she wanted friends, she'd be a friend, instead of wanting what she wanted at her own cost. grr people make me react.

it doesn't matter what i look like or what i do, my mother will never respect me. my brother will always see me as a failure, and no one will ever care more than they can throw me.

i'm useless because i'm told i am.

it's not that i need to leave, or get out of my situation, it's that i need to get better.

that i need to "grow up"

i don't hate, nor do i dismiss. it's that i haven't been able to keep food down, that i've been secluded for hours, and when you do come home, your yelling, screaming, and plain rude.

i don't need that.

thanks all for the greetings.

and thanks more to dejana!

made my day.

moments after i checked the mail, i got ready to attend... omg. a symphony!!

it was amazing!

LOVED IT!!

it was the local symphony, but none the less, it was AMAZING!

loved most of the music. still can't appreciate hamlet,

but who can.

so yes. my brother had a show yesterday, and today.

since it's raining, i thought it great to do homework.

then i realized i have sooo much to read.

wish me luck!

this year has been amazing.
ups and downs.
trials, and

the few tribulations.

made new friends,

and got closer to older friends.


this entire year flew by with tears,

and joys, shared with friends,

and family.

with everything that has passed me by, i'm glad,

with all that i am,

that i grabbed the chances i had;

missed the buses i should have made,

and still enjoyed every step of the tear filled path.


this past year was one step closer to me being a better person. and for the people who were there to see me grow, thanks for sticking with me, in sickness and in health...


<3

if no one noticed, it's 38 degrees outside, and we're going through finals. it's that cold, out, and i don't really feel like saying much other than, dang, it's cold out there, too bad i didn't feel like actually washing laundry last night, or even bring down tvs. my party is going to be dandy, and i just really need to keep telling myself that, as long as i got that down, we're good.

it's been a while. now i feel loved. and at peace. with blah.

fine. i can't write, this paper will suck. and i might fail. good job kid.

it's been weird being at school, with friends that "care about me" and yet, being w/ him everyday makes things just a little weird, because i've been so dependent on having the small things, and being with him. but it's going to change next semester, if things work out right now... i won't be with all my friends, i'll be on my own, and standing on my own two feet.

i'm still scared, and i've been acting out on my fear, even if i don't need to be scared. regardless, i'm still just a bit scared.

classes have been weird, and yet, i feel as if i have more to give. i just need that focus back.

that's all.

thanks for listening?

Find Out Which Disney Girl You Are! created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Belle Dancing furniture, singing spoons, and a man who needs a serious haircut - sound familiar? Well it should! Belle was a very independent spirit with alot on her mind, much like you are! But in life, there is a needed balance - learn when to speak your mind, and when to hold it back. Sometimes offending someone isn't the best way to go! Belle 88% Tinkerbell 83% Violet 79% Snow White 79% Mulan 75% Megara 75% Ariel 75% Jasmine 71% Jane 67% Alice 63% Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) 50% Pocahontas 42% Cinderella 33% Esmerelda 29%

so i'm considering doing some silly game, or regular post event to make me think more, well freely.

let's see how that works out.

till tomorrow. if i figure out what game i want to revive.

are you kidding?

i don't think so.

saying that i don't have a sense of humor, when it's something as simple as taking a group photo, is not a place to have a sense of humor.

as human as it sounds to say, "she doesn't have a sense of humor", trying to defend me in some shape, it's not fair to hear that. it's not that i don't have a sense of humor, it's that it's a simple task, of sitting in a position, and taking pictures.

my decisions are different from what you see; yet you continue to be there for me. the moment i needed you, you weren't there to save me.

what am i supposed to do.

what do you want me to do...

i lost me,

i lost you.

my trust, in myself can't be worse than you loosing my trust...

thought this necessary to post somewhere




I voted in the 2008 Webware 100 Awards

so in HIMYM (how i met your mother) lily said something along the lines of... not wanting to see her fiance pee... which when i saw it was just HILARIOUS!... but as i came back to that thought, it made sense..

how many times do you think you really know any person.. even with their flaws, but how much are you willing to know the person...

i really didn't think i understood what lily was really saying, but from the top, it made sense as it was. knowing a person more than just the flaws takes away from the mystery of the person... so not having seen her fiance up to that point PEE!! was the mystery in her life...

so go out and enjoy those mysteries in life... i'm sitting in class

mmmmhhhmmm proves something...


oh. right. i'm still here.

maybe i shouldn't say anything...
maybe i have to go through with this, just keep it in and deal with it myself...

but i have friends,

people,

those who say they love me..

but what's this unnecessary feeling climbing up my stomach, making me want to say something.

what ever it is, i don't like it...

i want to cry,

scream,

do something,

but i can't.

it was then this is now.

and i need my friends...

more than ever.

well i'm sitting here, waiting for my friends, it's kindda weird that i'm actually waiting...

but the past... 4 weeks have been hell and back, it's not that it was something i'd normally write about in here, so i won't elaborate.

i finally got my b-day gift back last night, and i'm seeing my friends for the first time this year..

very exciting.

but it's weird cuz it almost didn't happen. i'm going to study. buy hairdye, and post weird pics of my new hair...

after i steal someone's camera and take pics of myself...

yeah. i'll do that...
but it's not as exciting as knowing there's a storm coming-

it's weird living in califonia cuz when you say "storm" it really doesn't mean anything, unless you live by the river.... or the mountains... that's IT!! it's not like there's an evacuation, just for low lands and river folk... but even those people expect that!! it's just part of it, it's not like we have snow days, we have "no school days" due to "flooding" that's it!! it's not like we have days where we see pretty things after the storm.. nope. it's grouse, and weird looking, and seriously, who wants to run around in the dirt that's been washed away....


eff that...

but it's cold. and i'm bitter.

it's cold. did i mention i'm excited??

and if anyone from ASMR is reading this, and wants to mess around with icons, let me know... i have stuff...

well. sunday night, i won tickets to see coheed and cambria. tuesday, got jessica to agree to join me. monday, found out http://lovejunkii.livejournal.com/ was having a party friday night. told patrick and matt monday-thursday that there was something going on at cathie's place. friday gets bitched out with "is to day ignore matt day?" friday, went to the concert not wanting to be there, but with a bunch of friends from high school playing video games. see where my priorities are?? friends, rad concert, meeting people. yeah. not the best, right??

but what ever, so the concert was rad, still feel like i missed out on something cuz i didn't stick with my friends on that friday thing, and feel all shitty cuz i'm might as well sick.

still haven't seen a doctor. worried it might be something, but what ever.

i'm not happy.

and am totally feeling shitty cuz of the lack luster concert, i thought it was awesome i came home with orgasms, just didn't dig it as much as i would have if i had gone to the party thing w/ the guys, or anything like that..


tears.

i still can't get over it!!!!!

i actually won tickets

to something

it's not like they were hard,

it's just the whole getting

in thing that was

really just

a pain.

but waiting for

that phone to pick

up had to be the

most agonizing,

i knew what was

going to happen

ohm

what am i going to say

moment ever!

thank you


oh. and i still don't have someone to take with me.

insert sad face?