i'm finding myself in a position in life that no matter what i do, i am the embodiment of a character out of one of my novels. i feel i should write more, i feel i should do something else. but outside of the obvious, i feel i should do more than simply feel.
these emotions i need to express are sitting, mulling - will it be something amazing? like tequila, or wine, or something that needs help in being awesome - like cheese...alright, not cheese. but blue cheese. it's not awesome alone.
so what's new since 2 years ago? well things have changed. but not enough. maybe i'll write more in here. but for now, this is my ranting zone. don't expect a lot, but it's something.
hey world. i hate holidays.
i don't hate the spirit that comes with the holidays. i hate the attitudes that ensue, the excessive emotions that come with the term:holidays. sure, the family part is great, but the whole situation with; let's make every one think we're farking happy as birds, that's what irks me.
holidays are an excuse to create family moments and take breaks from the fast pace of the world. thanks world, but i don't need a flimsy excuse to have a party, and be dis invited then not be told of something way better.
it's so not your fault world, i just didn't try hard enough to get a job this year...
oh yeah, and swim season. what's with that....
i need an actual legit reason to have a good break. not a stress filled, anxiety driven, and social outcast excuse to gather around some inanimate object and chant. woo.
i wanna say something, but i can't. it want to say that i told you so. but it won't work because of the whole, be an example thing. it doesn't work when it's splattered all over the internet saying, "pity me, i'm lonely and pathetic". it doesn't help me when i need to be strong just for me; what more for more people. what more if i need help. will you say something?
either way, she was a waste of time, effort, and if she wanted friends, she'd be a friend, instead of wanting what she wanted at her own cost. grr people make me react.
it doesn't matter what i look like or what i do, my mother will never respect me. my brother will always see me as a failure, and no one will ever care more than they can throw me.
i'm useless because i'm told i am.
it's not that i need to leave, or get out of my situation, it's that i need to get better.
that i need to "grow up"
i don't hate, nor do i dismiss. it's that i haven't been able to keep food down, that i've been secluded for hours, and when you do come home, your yelling, screaming, and plain rude.
i don't need that.
thanks all for the greetings.
and thanks more to dejana!
made my day.
moments after i checked the mail, i got ready to attend... omg. a symphony!!
it was amazing!
it was the local symphony, but none the less, it was AMAZING!
loved most of the music. still can't appreciate hamlet,
but who can.
so yes. my brother had a show yesterday, and today.
since it's raining, i thought it great to do homework.
then i realized i have sooo much to read.
wish me luck!
this year has been amazing.
ups and downs.
the few tribulations.
made new friends,
and got closer to older friends.
this entire year flew by with tears,
and joys, shared with friends,
with everything that has passed me by, i'm glad,
with all that i am,
that i grabbed the chances i had;
missed the buses i should have made,
and still enjoyed every step of the tear filled path.
this past year was one step closer to me being a better person. and for the people who were there to see me grow, thanks for sticking with me, in sickness and in health...
if no one noticed, it's 38 degrees outside, and we're going through finals. it's that cold, out, and i don't really feel like saying much other than, dang, it's cold out there, too bad i didn't feel like actually washing laundry last night, or even bring down tvs. my party is going to be dandy, and i just really need to keep telling myself that, as long as i got that down, we're good.
it's been weird being at school, with friends that "care about me" and yet, being w/ him everyday makes things just a little weird, because i've been so dependent on having the small things, and being with him. but it's going to change next semester, if things work out right now... i won't be with all my friends, i'll be on my own, and standing on my own two feet.
i'm still scared, and i've been acting out on my fear, even if i don't need to be scared. regardless, i'm still just a bit scared.
classes have been weird, and yet, i feel as if i have more to give. i just need that focus back.
thanks for listening?